I went over understanding anger last blog and how it belongs to each person who has it. You can think of it as a gift that you own. We all have things happen each day that cause us to be anything from frustrated to fully outraged. The impact from these is different for each person which is why it is so important to know how things are impacting you personally. For example, if you are a very sensitive person, you will be bothered by a lot of things. That is not a problem unless you fail to process them as they happen.
Whether things bother you a lot or a little, you must learn to process them. First step, the energy from the anger is just energy. Get it out through a rant, a writing, a physical act or some way to let it out IN A HEALTHY WAY. Key understanding. Healthy does not mean dumping it on others in an aggressive way…ever! It is okay to be assertive and send an “I statement” that describes how you are offended, but only to share to be known.
Once the raw energy from the anger is removed, it is a more calm and rational mind that is thinking about what to do. Second thing to do is check in with yourself and see how you are feeling. In other words, check to see how much pain or other feelings you are experiencing. If you are in great pain, it does not necessarily mean the other person “caused it” by their one act. It could be a build up from the past over a similar thing, either from the same person or from as far back as you can remember. For example, some people experience anger when they are unheard. That person may get triggered one time too many and blow up. The truth would be, though, that the anger has been piling up for years. This kind of anger is often very explosive.
Finding the feeling associated with the anger is important so you can share with the other person (if appropriate) how what they did felt to you. Still, it does not mean they caused the feeling, just that you had a lot of pain around their actions. This gives them a chance to make amends, but if they choose not to do that, you still have had your time of letting them know what happened.
If you are in relationship with someone who is chronically triggering you or what you might think is “pushing your buttons,” that is another opportunity for you to find out more about you and why you allow that to keep happening. You may think you tell them, but if you just complain about it, that is not telling them. Again, you must assertively set a boundary that you will not be treated like that anymore while you work through your own inner reasons about what that triggering is all about.
This is complicated, but the main thing is: YOU own your own anger and the feelings that are underneath it so you need to learn how to process it so you remain calmer around people who are unconscious with their treatment of others. Set boundaries!