STEPS TO HANDLE OUR INNER FEELINGS AROUND ANGER

I went over understanding anger last blog and how it belongs to each person who has it. You can think of it as a gift that you own. We all have things happen each day that cause us to be anything from frustrated to fully outraged. The impact from these is different for each person which is why it is so important to know how things are impacting you personally. For example, if you are a very sensitive person, you will be bothered by a lot of things. That is not a problem unless you fail to process them as they happen.

Whether things bother you a lot or a little, you must learn to process them. First step, the energy from the anger is just energy. Get it out through a rant, a writing, a physical act or some way to let it out IN A HEALTHY WAY. Key understanding. Healthy does not mean dumping it on others in an aggressive way…ever! It is okay to be assertive and send an “I statement” that describes how you are offended, but only to share to be known.

Once the raw energy from the anger is removed, it is a more calm and rational mind that is thinking about what to do. Second thing to do is check in with yourself and see how you are feeling. In other words, check to see how much pain or other feelings you are experiencing. If you are in great pain, it does not necessarily mean the other person “caused it” by their one act. It could be a build up from the past over a similar thing, either from the same person or from as far back as you can remember. For example, some people experience anger when they are unheard. That person may get triggered one time too many and blow up. The truth would be, though, that the anger has been piling up for years. This kind of anger is often very explosive.

Finding the feeling associated with the anger is important so you can share with the other person (if appropriate) how what they did felt to you. Still, it does not mean they caused the feeling, just that you had a lot of pain around their actions. This gives them a chance to make amends, but if they choose not to do that, you still have had your time of letting them know what happened.

If you are in relationship with someone who is chronically triggering you or what you might think is “pushing your buttons,” that is another opportunity for you to find out more about you and why you allow that to keep happening. You may think you tell them, but if you just complain about it, that is not telling them. Again, you must assertively set a boundary that you will not be treated like that anymore while you work through your own inner reasons about what that triggering is all about.

This is complicated, but the main thing is: YOU own your own anger and the feelings that are underneath it so you need to learn how to process it so you remain calmer around people who are unconscious with their treatment of others. Set  boundaries!

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

ANGER, FRUSTRATION, HOSTILITY, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, RESENTMENT, GRRR

In my last blog, I wrote about anger in some generalized ways.  In my professional career as a therapist, I have worked to help many angry people heal. I have even taught anger management groups that were court mandated for people who had lost contact with their families over domestic anger disputes. I have also dealt with angry family members in my own family. I have studied anger and have learned to understand my own. This is why I want to write this blog and raise awareness about anger and misconceptions about it.

 

I consider anger a gift when it is understood in a healthy way. Anger lets us know when something is not right with us. It tells us we are bothered. So, it can work as an alarm system that is sent to help us stop and check in with what troubling us. Anger will signal our body to rev up a little and feel anger energy. The body response signals “danger” or threat of danger. This is helpful when there is a need to survive. At other times, it is a signal that our emotions need attention or that another person is hurting us.

 

The gift of anger can be used positively if we can see it is just raw energy that needs to be vented in a healthy way so we can get underneath the anger and see what the real issue is-in other words, anger is just the ‘red flag.’ Most people consider that anger is the emotion that needs to trade anger for anger and give others the power to “make them angry.” Truthfully, no one “makes” anyone angry. If I am angry in reaction to another person, I chose to be angry even if I have been mistreated. I have a choice of whether to react or respond calmly.

 

When anger is misunderstood and blamed on others over time, it becomes a habit. Anger is one way to control others. That gives a feeling of power over another person. The truth is, however, using anger to control others is very unhealthy. It hurts us inside to get all worked up and yell or mistreat others. It also hurts the other person(s) because of its toxicity.

 

Venting or throwing anger up on others is never appropriate. As I said, it becomes a habit and sets up false beliefs that are carried throughout life. It works like an addiction in that regard. Venting is fine done in a healthy way (voicing it through writing and discarding what was written, beating your pillow, or just working out are some ways to vent anger). It must be gotten out in some way because it does not go away even after you settle down.

 

So, for those who do not show any signs of anger, it is the same. It still needs to be removed or it sits inside you waiting to be triggered at another time and up it comes again. Over time, some people become rageaholics because they are so easily triggered. Those who don’t rage will use passive-aggressive ways to vent. Piling anger on anger over and over is a horrible way to live as it robs inner peace.

Next time: How to use anger appropriately and feel empowered.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website:
http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book:
http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more:
https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

MINDFULNESS, PRESENCE OF MIND AND KEEPING PRESENT IN A SANE MIND

I have been writing all my blogs about awakening and having self-awareness at higher levels of consciousness. One of the things that needs to be addressed before I go further is more in depth inventory on how to know if you are really fluent with that inner self of yours.

As I listen to the horrible events around the Boston Marathon bombing, I am “mindful” that we do have people living among us who have a very diseased mind that desires to kill for a cause. I use this example about making sure to take inventory to see if you are really in touch with who or what lives inside you for a reason. I am not saying that we all have the potential to be turned into terrorists. I am saying that anyone who has ANY kind of unresolved anger, bitterness, hatred, or resentment is a ticking time bomb.

All forms of anger are from something inside a person that is bothering them. The person may act that bother out through verbal, emotional or physical means on others. Some angry people do not act it out at all. They are actually able to present as “nice” and even passive, but inside, there is aggression brewing. This is actually worse than the obviously angry aggressive people. You can witness that they are angry and find ways to set boundaries with them.

How can you tell if a person who does not show aggression is angry or not? That is a good question because many are very good at pretending. They have been covering up their anger for years. Typically, the hiding of anger and other feelings started in childhood when parents did not avail themselves to the child’s feelings or they taught the child it was not “nice” to be angry. These forms of stuffing anger cause loss of touch with inner feelings. It is training and a kind of brain washing that breeds inner hostility, but the person is often unconscious to their own feelings.

It is important to understand what anger is and how to deal with it before you can even have any healthy relationships. ALL humans have anger. If a person has a false belief that they are just the “type” that doesn’t get angry, that false belief will operate as their reality. Over time, there is no way to process anger because they don’t believe they have it. This is very harmful to the inner body systems and blocks most all feelings.

I plan to write more about anger all this week and some of the misunderstood ideas that surround it, but in the meantime, check in with yourself and see if you are a carrier of any unresolved resentments or bitterness. Go back as far as your memory can take you. If you find “anything” from the past, find out next time how to work through those past issues.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

FUSING THINGS TOGETHER IN NEW FLUENCY

I like to be able to tie things together when they make sense. By that, I mean thoughts, ideas, and anything that organizes or keeps things in their “place.”  I know our brain works likes this unless we train it to a new way of being. Thinking in new ways only happens if we are conscious. If our brain is used to an old system that we have always used, it carves deep ruts to do it that way.

May people think it is just that they prefer something one way, but in reality, they have just never thought of it any other way. My mother used to tell me that she liked something one way because that was the way she had always done it and so had her parents before her used that method. That always seemed limited to me as a child. When I grew up, I began to think that it was surely very limiting. While I never wanted to throw out every idea or way of doing something like my mother did it, I had to go through the process of finding some of my own ways because hers were too restricting to me.

When our spirit is looking for a new way, but we have been brain trained to do things in a certain way or it is viewed as “wrong,” we are really doing what we refer to as “brainwashing” and using collective think. This stifles creativity and keeps an individual from trusting his own inner novel ideas and thoughts and that person may fear even expressing those ideas if they have been constantly criticized for having them.

Learning to live in inner awakening, awareness and understanding of inner self and respecting those parts of our identity is often like learning a new language. The worst thing that can happen to lose our freedom is to defer our inner thoughts and beliefs to what others say we “should” think or feel AND depend on others for how to proceed. Using “other fluency” over time trains our brain to shut down the voice of spirit, emotions, and even causes self-doubt in relationships.

I use the word CONFUSION to describe this problem with inner fluency barriers. If I am in fear, obligation to others, or guilt over feelings how someone else might perceive me, I am in confusion. I am unclear, not aware of my true self and have given over my power to other people. This can even become an addiction to a false belief (distortion) that “I have to do this or they will be mad.” Being fused with a con is your own problem. You are operating in dishonesty with self. Am I saying that we never do things because others need us to? Of course not! I am saying if it becomes a pattern and how to you train your thinking patterns, BEWARE.

Living life in process means developing and growing into a more mature way of staying in your adult self. This always requires finding out new things about yourself and others everyday. You will not be doing this if you have cut off your inner language of self in the present and are still operating under old past paradigms.

STOP, THINK, AND LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE OF YOURS. What do you hear?

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

LIVING ON THE PATH THAT IS TREAD BY THOSE CARING TO CARE & LOVE “WHO”

Tricky title, but it just means — it is more important to our Life Journey to stay alive and connected to who you are vs. what you do or who others say you are!

I have clients who have lived a long time in the habit of deferring their life to these paths:
 TAKING CARE OF OTHERS NEEDS FIRST
 TAKING CARE OF THEIR OWN NEEDS FIRST IN SELFISH WAYS
 BEING UNCONSCIOUS TO ANY NEEDS
 SATISFYING SELF IN THE MOMENT AND FEELING REMORSE LATER
 NOT GIVING A ………WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS ABOUT THEM
 DISRESPECTING SELF AND DESTROYING RELATIONSHIPS OVER AND OVER
 SELF-GRATIFICATION AND PLEASURE OVER THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS
 FOCUSED ON PERFORMANCE AND PROVIDING OF OTHERS
 DIS-TRACTED, DIS-ASSOCIATED, DIS-MAYED AND DIS-STRESSED
 HAVING NO CONSCIOUS CLUE OF SELF OR OTHERS

This list could go on and on with either selfish or selfless behaviors, but that is the point: it is totally unconscious to a healthy self in balance and connected from inside out to God, self and others (in that order). Most people desire to be right, do right and live in balance, but few have an idea as to how to get to that place.

There are hundreds of ‘HOW-TO BOOKS” written over time as to how to be the person you desire, but few focus on how to find your identity, how to keep it moving, and stay awake to God, self and others (in a healthy and balanced way) based on knowing who you are, and staying in connection and comfort with that person. Others are quick to remind us that is selfish behavior. I am here to say that if you are disconnected with your who and that reality, you are disconnected.

Once you remain in a lifestyle of disconnect with self, you are off-balance mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You are out for you and/or out to control others. Our society accepts this and labels it as “addiction” if it is obvious and destructive OR, “nice” if it fits the paradigm of being “good.” I do not believe anyone can be “good” apart from God.  A person can have the image of good, but if it is not done as a “God-directed” mission, it is most likely a do-gooder getting a fix by feeling they are doing good! This gives a sense of “fix,” but can do a lot of damage.

Doing good without God direction can be harmful. What I mean is that it becomes manipulative and self-righteous if it comes from a place of need to help “fix” these poor folks…see the condescension in that? That is my perspective from seeing people hide behind “do-good” behaviors. It is not true for all, but can be a hiding from self-form. “If I can make myself feel good by helping others, I am-okay.”

Check in with your growth plates. What is directing your WHO and are you in touch with/happy with, and esteeming your who? Ask: “WHO directs your do”????????

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

STEPPING UP THE MOMENTUM PROCESS REQUIRES POSTIVE THINKING SHIFT

I often hear my clients tell me they are tired of living in “limbo” and just want to move on with their life. They will say that they are weary of feeling down or sad or bad about a situation that doesn’t change as fast as they hoped it would. Or, they may be going through a divorce or a crisis with some circumstance or another.

I use this to begin the writing for today to say that we are all living in limbo until we have our awakening of awareness of the present. Most people are caught in some kind of trance that wishes things were different or the other people close to them were different or that their past was different. This is the called the Trance of Being Unable to Live in the Now peacefully. That sets up a negative focus and think trail that keeps circling around to more negative.

So, for example, if you think about the things you are unhappy about over and over and begin dwelling in them, you are building on that negative foundation. Even when the situation looks hopeless and pretty awful, if you stay stuck in the “habit trail” of playing over and over the game in your mind of: AIN’T IT AWFUL, it becomes like a broken record (stuck) and keeps playing on your thoughts. The more you think about how awful things are, the more negative thoughts and feelings will pile on and attach to the situation. Soon, it is very heavy and overwhelming to the point where all that is being attracted to the situation is hopelessness.

The Spin Cycle of Negativity becomes hypnotic and leaves people looking for more awful. There is always a silver lining to be had from the worst of situations. Kids even know this; I had a 12 year old tell me this week that she knows “good things can come out of bad situations.” Such wisdom! I would not be able to do the type of therapy I do if I did not believe that truth. The problem for most people caught in a terrible situation or circumstance is that they forget to think about choices to look for a silver lining. They are looking for clouds or shadows of more that is dark or fearful. The Law of Attraction will work to bring in more of the same stuff.

When a person can focus on gratitude and find hope for change and take an action to gain momentum in the direction of the positive to dig out of a situation… it works! It is well established that positive energy and hope along with prayer will begin to help situations move. Any positive action is better than stuck or staying in a negative outlook. Shifting a perspective towards what is desired and thinking about it, visualizing it happening, taking an action to move toward it will give motion that creates more momentum. It may move slowly at first, but “as a man thinketh, so he is” will always be true.

Is there some situation where you need to be taking a U-turn to turn around
into a more positive direction so you can gain momentum to where
you would like to be?

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

GAINING MOTION AND MOMENTUM IN STAYING PRESENT WITH INNER BEING

Since the beginning of this year, over four months now, I have written about waking up from operating your life in a fog or a hypnotic trance. This awakening is called gaining conscious awareness and taking responsibility for staying mindful of that beautiful internal being you carry around with you.

I have explained how we are trained to pay more attention to the external than the internal as children and throughout life. Until we become cognizant that we are doing that, most of us walk around in a daze or sort of haze and wonder why things don’t work for us as well as we would like.

The main theme of my blogs has been to introduce the idea of how to live life in process and in new ways of being responsive more than reactive to what others do. My intent has been to redirect your focus to the parts of you that are inside you: how you feel about things, how you think, how you believe and perceive life around you. The sentient self is the awake self that is aided by learning what internal feelings mean and processing them. It is also about staying current with the flow of your inner being.

Being in the Flow and Fluency of Self is the New Language that you have been learning through journaling, using STEPS (balance of SPIRIT, THINKING, EMOTIONS, PHYICAL AND SOCIAL BEING), and through trusting your intuition to let you know when things are bothering you (mad and sad).

 Staying mindful and keeping your perspective fresh with how you make meaning of life needs to become a practice of the present. This means that you gain momentum in the moment. You are not fumbling around with reactions or triggers while you perceive life through the eyes of a wounded child. You are adult and functional and staying in truth more than in dishonesty with self. You are using concrete evidence of boundaried behaviors to display your reality when it conflicts with others.

Another important feature to keep the process in motion is to use E-Motion. Emotion is a form of energy that is moderate, but contains passion and compassion. It is loving and intentional containing no shame or blame. It is non-judgmental and does not depend on old paradigms or dependencies. Learning to regulate and stay in good peace and harmony with your emotion is something that takes time and practice. It is important to have patience and humility for your humanity and that of others.

It will also require forgiveness of yourself and others as quickly as you can to turn back to staying present with yourself. It is truly the Practice of the Journey of Life. Check in with yourself!

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more:https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

FLOWING AND GROWING: STAYING IN PROCESS WITH INNER KNOWING

By now, you are learning the fluency of a new language. It is called the inner knowing of self. Believe it or not, it is often the most challenging language to learn. Our human habits are so ingrained and trained to focus on the external things of life, we get caught up in believing those and what others are saying and doing about us ahead of what we know to be true inside. In that approach, we forget the language of our body, spirit and our heart.

Intuition is often thought of as instincts or insights or a sixth sense. The truth is that it is a language we all know, but have not listened to it or shut it down so we lost ability to trust it or even sense it. There are a few ways to re-engage with our intuition.

 First, becoming intentional and doing the process of removing the old layers from others is a positive beginning to listening to our “gut.” Our body actually does sense when things need to be told to us and when we feel something is not right. The body has a gut feeling or a visceral knowing that is lost when people pay more attention to their brain first over the years. The brain can be trained to override and ignore body signals unless it is an emergency of survival. The brain can also be trained to be triggered under stress situations that “everything” is a crisis or needs to be reacted to as though imminent danger is facing us just because someone is yelling.

Learning to regulate our inner being is a matter of paying attention to that inner knowing. It takes practice, just like learning any language to become fluent and flowing in your own spirit. This spirit is a gift that must not be censored or deferred out to others judgment. If, and when it is, we lose power and our brain tells us that the external is the problem. The truth is that we are allowing the override to trick us because we are in denial of our power.

Empowerment can be true or false. False empowerment is ego and control. It is demonstrated by negative control of self and others (treating self and others negatively or childish). Feeling like you are responsible for others is also false empowerment (unless that other is a child or an elder care situation). True empowerment is demonstrated through owning your “stuff,” taking responsibility for your own life, being accountable for moral behavior, and treating self and others with respect.

Are you in touch with your Inner Knowing and fluent with the language of your body and spirit and soul? Are you learning to hear and trust your own Voice without confusion? Are you able to hear only one voice of truth or do you hear others language or words overpowering what you know to be true in your own heart? Check in with yourself through feelings and thoughts often so you practice that connection to keep flowing and growing inside.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan
 

CONTINUING THE PROCESS OF PEELING OFF AND CLEARING INNER CLUTTER TO CREATE SPACE

Whether you have been following my blog or not, this process of peeling off the old layers and clearing out internal clutter can begin anytime. The great thing about gaining self awareness by taking inventory and becoming more awake to your inner being is that it continues to be a Way of Life and a Path to Make More and More Space for you to grow, develop and mature for the rest of your life.

As you peel back the layers that are old and outdated and don’t fit who you are anymore (that you have determined through getting in touch with your internal feelings), consider more of what needs to be removed. The removal of internal clutter begins with your thinking. How you think about yourself is how your habits and behaviors will track. If you are on track with more liking you and your who, you will add more space for positive behaviors and self-care that keep you on track. You will keep boundaries that maintain a concrete way of staying in balance.

As you clear out negative thinking, make an intentional practice of replacing with a positive truth and new belief that fits you in the present. Dusty old versions of you from adults or others from your past that no longer fit you are like getting rid of old clothing or rotting food. Get rid of those things and replace with things that you like and that fit who you are now.

Remember to continue reflecting on your thinking and keep current with mad and sad feelings. If you are mad, expose that raw energy in a healthy way through physical exercise that works it out or by journaling your angry feelings and letting them go. The sad is about loss of innocence (which means things that happened to you as a child that caused sadness were left inside you unprocessed and need to be grieved). Another possibility for the sadness is pain, and sometimes, it is serious and very deep pain from wounds that you may not have even known existed as you repressed their feelings and buried them.

As you process your feelings of loss and sadness, please take time to remember that there are pieces of a wounded child inside all of us that need treatment. Treatment is just to acknowledge they exist and to feel them or reflect on them giving them a place to heal. If you need to talk with a counselor or therapist about them, please do. These feelings will not be able to heal without loving caretaking and are the roots to which other hurts and destructive habits attach. These are the things that drive depression and anxiety.

Becoming aware so you can dig deeper and clear the old “junk” and remove thoughts and feelings that were stuffed inside you will give you new clarity and understanding of yourself and others. As you heal yourself and make more space for you, you will have more ability to respond in balanced behavior toward others.

Are you noticing change in your view of your closer relationships yet? More next time. 🙂

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan