INTERNAL JOURNAL: LIVING IN THE PROCESS OF CONNECTING TO FEELINGS

If you are an emotional person or if you are out of touch with emotions, you still need to understand who you are on the inside. Losing touch with that person called “YOU” is death. It kills you because you become externally referenced. You are constantly referencing your life to situations and circumstances and you feel controlled by them. This is a false belief, but most people set their life up this way.

Referencing yourself based on your internal spirit, soul, mind, and how your body feels will keep your soul in balance. Letting others define or determine your actions or reactions is to lose your power. Thinking you control others or have the power or need to control them is also a killer to you and all relationships. It is not okay to control others. Boundaries are what keep us knowing where we end and others begin. Stepping across those boundaries without permission is non-relational.

Looking inside me and trusting that I can get in touch with me and how I see the world is a first step to self-awareness and learning to love you. If you do not like who you are at your core, please know that mostly you are probably referring to your behavior. The person you are inside is not usually how you act until after you have done process work. It is usually just behavior based on habit or someone else’s idea of how you “should” behave.

To begin, ask yourself if you are honest with yourself and others. Do you lie? Do you treat others openly and tell them how you feel about things or do you hide and pretend? If you are dishonest, ask yourself what that is about and how it feels to have to hide your true feelings. If you are sometimes honest and sometimes not, depending on the other person, you are still dishonest. You must check in and be honest about your level of honesty (including telling stories and embellishing).

Are you judgmental? Do you criticize and complain about how others act? Do you wonder why others do what they do? Do you talk about and obsess about others? Do you assume you are right about things and others are wrong? Do you finger point, blame or shame other people? Do you neglect yourself in favor of taking care of others? All of these kinds of behaviors indicate that you are avoiding your inner being and spending more time referencing the external life.

Once again, keep track of and notice how much you are doing these actions as you go back to the reactions (triggered behaviors) and find out if you are mad, sad or glad. Also, add some comments or inventories to yourself about what you feel you might be mad or sad about. Leave the glad alone for now and just be in gratitude with it. Pay attention to your mads and sads and dig underneath them to uncover past layers of what they are about and when they began if you can.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
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MORE ABOUT PEELING THE LAYERS OF DENIAL OFF TO FIND YOUR TRUE SELF

Last time, I talked about the process of unearthing you and what it was all about. To review, it just means that you have covered over yourself for as long as you are alive with some self-protections when you were treated in ways that you did not like. That process began in childhood with adults that were shaping your behavior. Most parents and teachers are trying to raise and develop kids to fit into a system.

All systems (family, culture, schools, sports, etc.) have dysfunctions and limitations so kids learn to adjust and adapt to them. Oftentimes, kids internalize this shaping process in ways that makes them feel bad about themselves. At the very least, children are quite adaptable and will adjust to the way adults need them to be. This takes them away from their innocence and there are losses.

As adults, we get to be who we really are and live how we need to within societal norms. The hardest times are usually with those close to us as they hold up mirrors of judgment, harsh words, controlling behaviors, dishonesty, obsessions, accusations, attacks and other forms of blame and shame thrown our way. It is hard and seems impossible not to react to these ways of being treated.

Once you step away from the negative energy of someone calling you names or finding fault with you, you can begin to see that they are very often reflecting their own stuff. I see many couples in my sessions that complain about something their partner is doing that they do as well. It is like they are holding up a mirror of their behavior to the other. They will often even say out loud, “you do that too.”

So, what is all this about? This is about unconsciousness and not being awake to the inner parts of you. Those parts are locked away or not known conciously and so you project them on others and they project them back to you. This is common to humans. The way to get rid of this dis-ease of others dumping their stuff on you is to know and uncover who you are and what your reality of a situation is. It is not easy to do this without removing our layers and filters from the past. As a matter of fact, it is impossible to practice it consistently without processing and picking through your own deposits from the past.

Get yourself a journal and begin to be intentional and notice the things that trigger you into being reactive or behaving in ways that are not reflective of the real you.

Just jot down events that happen and how you felt about them, noting whether you felt mad, sad or glad or all of those. Mad, sad and glad are the three primary feelings.
This will begin the process of uncovering those old layers that you no longer need to carry around. The longer you carry them and pile on more, the less in touch with your inner being you become.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

PEELING OFF THE LAYERS

In my last blog, I focused on Relationships and how we relate to other humans. I was referencing wellness and healthy relationships as beginning with the one we have with ourselves. Every one of us has a wounded child inside that can become very reactive when we are mistreated as adults. It is in that context that I write this post.

If you agree that treating others well and with healthy behavior is a positive thing in our life, but is challenging to do consistently, you need to read further. We are all in some stage of our life process. If you are in a stage that feels like you do not receive the treatment from others that you would like, it is important for you to know that you have the power to change that in a healthy way. Even if you feel you are treated well by most everyone, but have trouble with an inner circle person (spouse, partner, child, parent, sibling, or any person close to you), you can improve things. Some relationships will always be challenging because the other person is just in denial and insensitive or blind to their actions. However, even those can change.

The first order of business is to begin to be an intern of you. This just means to check into your internal feelings. For example, if you are triggered or reactive about certain things, that is about you, not the other person. No one can push your buttons. You choose to let them do that because you are having a reaction. It is like a skin breakout, or flu, you are allergic to the behavior of the other person’s behavior and are having a toxic reaction. Many people think it is the other person causing them to over react or become angry. This is not true. Believing something that is not true sets up a lie inside you.

If I believe that other people have the power to control how I treat them or how I respond to them, I am believing a lie. I am an adult and I choose how to behave no matter what another person is doing. The only way to find out what the problem is that is causing me to react or treat them unkindly is to peel back some of my layers. Layers are usually walls of defenses built up in the past to self protect. At the time you set them up, you needed them, but a functional adult does not need defense mechanisms. They are just a form of co-dependency. That means that I depend on another person to determine if I can remain true to myself.

Peeling back the layers of my own self-protection and ridding myself of old ways of treating myself is an arduous process and can be very painful. This is why most people never do the work of lifting off the dead skin and digging out the deposits that have long been covered over. Most would rather blame others for why they cannot stay kind and loving to self and others no matter what is happening.

What type of person are you? Do you want to peel back layers or pile on with reactive behaviors? Your comments please…

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

RELATIONSHIPS AND WELLNESS

There are obviously many things that have been written about how to handle relationship issues and how to manage people in your life that drive you crazy. The hundreds of books and all the words that have been sold as “how to” could be helped if there was a way to develop the WHO to first. WHO TO does not mean who to blame. It does mean how to help each person find his or her WHO. Most people have no idea about their inner identity. Basing identity on performance or a role you have is not who you are inside. Defining a person by an external reference does not tell anything about WHO they are as a human being. Self-esteem is based on one thing: inherent worth and value. Every person deserves worth and value, period!

If we start in agreement that all humans deserve to be treated kindly and given value regardless of how egregious their actions have been. I have seen even the most despicable character flaws be redeemed with the right treatment. I am not saying that all people choose to work on those flaws. I am saying that it is best to treat their WHO with love to begin with, followed by improvements in behavior and character flaws. Those who do not choose to work on these things will suffer consequences and will even be imprisoned when criminal action has occurred.

It is in the best interest of society and families within our society to find ways to cut dysfunctional behavior and all the pain that goes along with it. We can all agree that everyone deserves kind treatment, help to grow developmentally, and gain more mature ways of resolving conflicts. Attitudes can be learned that are adult in action and more harmonious for all, especially the children who suffer when adults treat each other harshly, cruel, or in unpleasant ways.

The order of wellness begins with self. Getting yourself well and treating yourself well helps you treat others well. What you feel about the YOU inside of you will project out from my inner being. This begins a law of attracting wellness and prosperity in all areas of your life. So, it is imperative that you learn to find an adult core inside you that you can stay attached to while you heal wounds of the past. The ultimate is to get in touch with creating a loving adult self inside that integrates the adult core (that has integrated the past wounded self). It takes time and process, but it is well worth it!

Once you begin healing old feelings that were hurt and you begin to stay grounded and centered in your adult, you love yourself strongly and have love to give to others. It is joyful to see how much of the same you get back. There is a flow of positive energy going out and coming back that keeps circulating instead of recycling the old negative energy. More about the details of how to sustain this process next week. In the meantime, practice thinking well of your WHO, not with ego, but with the knowing a Higher Power created you as a loving being in the beginning and you can find that inner essence if you are willing to peel back some of the layers of the past and find new positive healthy affirmative ways to be in peace and harmony with that self.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

STAYING IN BALANCE WITH THE MATURE MODEL OF ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

It seems to me that many of the people I work with have a lot of trouble staying in maturity when it comes to the closest of relationships. By that, I mean, most can keep self-control at work or even with friends and other associates. However, when it comes to intimates such as children, spouse, father, mother, siblings or others close to them, it is challenging to keep the relationships harmonious.

The first thing I notice is that most humans are not able to handle conflict in an honest and moderate adult fashion. There is often a tendency to avoid (not deal with or completely- avoid), fight and argue or be combative, or numb and freeze the other person out. Over time, hurts and unresolved issues are all piled up waiting to be solved, but there is not an adult approach to handle them, so they are seldom disentangled.

It is rare that a couple comes to counseling together unless there is a crisis and they need immediate help. Most often, one partner will call to schedule an appointment. That partner is often the one that cannot take it anymore, knows the relationship needs help, but has not idea what to do. Much of the time, the person they are in conflict or trouble with does not even think there is a serious problem. If they do, they are in denial of their part in the problem and just think it is the other person’s fault. Many times they will often say they are glad their partner in the relationship is getting “fixed.”

You may be laughing, but you may have also thought that one side or the other owned more of the problem. Truthfully, I can tell you that almost never is only one person who owns all the problems. Even when there is an addiction involved, it is often another who is enabling the addiction to continue. Of course, abuse of any kind cannot and must not be tolerated. That obvious overt behavior has to be worked on first and gotten under control using 12 step or other behavioral control programs along with serious counseling for that individual to gain sobriety.

The relationship issues that I am referring to are those that are full of fighting, arguing, complaining and other negative controls. Both sides are tangled up in this kind, even if one seems “nice” or passive. There is nothing nice about allowing someone to abuse you or emotionally “beat” you over and over. There are also some who actually say they hate drama, but secretly like it so they can complain and be a victim. There are all sorts of dynamics that go on in these unhealthy styles.

 If you have any relationships in your life that are cut off in any way or that you are not honest about to that person’s face, you cannot be in balance as a mature adult. I say this because you have unresolved issues that need to be integrated before you can operate in full peace and harmony with yourself and others. Unresolved issues will keep you out of serenity.

Ask yourself if you believe this and if you want to do anything about it or just continue on as is????

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: 
http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: 
http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: 
https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

 

STEPS TO THE MODEL OF A MATURE ADULT RELATIONAL SELF

I have written all my blogs so far with the idea that I do not believe there is any reason to prevent someone from becoming free within their true self, and to live awake and aware of their identity in WHOM they are in the present.  Too many people walk around in a trance that is about fear and guilt from the past. In that daze, they are out of balance with self and others. This causes a way of life that is powerless to stay moderate in behavior and relating to others.

Believing there is a better way of living and attaining a more prosperous life across the board requires a few basic understandings. STEPS is the acronym I use to speak of the five aspects of our being –spiritual, thinking, emotions, physical self, social self.

If a person is underdeveloped or immature in any of these areas as an adult, there will be an unbalanced lifestyle. Over time, the imbalance gets more skewed (especially in the thinking mind). Finding the balance is usually about growing an inner spirit to receive unconditional love from a Higher Power, training the brain to think in healthier paradigms, and healing emotions that were arrested in old feelings. This helps to let relationships gain new perspectives and to learn strategies for how to treat self and others well all the time by speaking truth in love.

I have not written much about boundaries, but they are a real key to helping you guard your heart (in a concrete way) while gaining the strength to be authentic no matter what the situation. External boundaries and internal boundaries are all about knowing where another person ends and you begin (outside yourself and inside your self).  A good picture is to think of yourself as standing inside a hula-hoop with all your own inner baggage belonging to you. You do not have a right to throw anything into another’s hoop or leave your own hoop to go and fix another person. Controlling others is boundary less behavior and usually negative. Allowing another to use their controlling behaviors “run you” is also boundary less behavior. Neither of those ways is healthy and will keep a person in negativity.

Finding and keeping your adult person and staying inside your hula hoop loving that person depends on you loving yourself well no matter what another is saying about you or to you. You have a choice to engage with a negative person telling you that you are no good or not.  You have a choice whether you will allow another to constantly put you down and reject or avoid you or not. You always have a choice to esteem yourself and keep your boundaries so you can stay in your own reality. You will need to have a Higher Power and some support to help you do this.

I encourage you and write down how well you hold yourself in high regard, keep your boundaries, stay in your reality, and depend on yourself and God to define you.

Check your STEPS TO INVENTORY if you are in balance or not. If you find that you are still reactive (short fuse with anger, using blaming and shaming behaviors, expecting others to change so you can be okay), troubleshoot and reboot yourself.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website:
http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book:
http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more:
https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

KEEPING AWAKE, GAINING AWARENESS, CLEANING AND CLEARING IN BALANCE

The title of this blog reminds you that you are being challenged to stay active and intentional in a process that is all about growing up again and finding a mature person that you love inside of you. You are doing this work because your emotions were arrested or underdeveloped and you were not having a peaceful, calm and consistently prosperous experience in your life. This is really true for most people. They do not feel conscious and in control of themselves and their life. 

Many people live their entire life in a trance or mostly living depending on outer circumstances. Over time, the child that is not grown up in them controls things when there are problems. As all humans know, there WILL BE problems. Not taking care of the problems with a mature adult approach forms a habit of acting like a child when things do not go their way. The problem is that it is obvious when others act childish, but oftentimes, we do not notice it when we are being childish. We project it off on another person and expect them to fix or change who they are and what they are doing. It is not a healthy way to live. 

Clearing and cleaning your inner space helps have a sense of inner being and order. This new place can be accessed faster and easier in a short while if you are diligent about your thinking. Thinking is critical because stinkin’ thinkin’ seems to be telling us the truth because it is familiar. For example, if you are used to blaming others for “making you mad,” you must begin to retrain your brain to possess new thoughts that “NO ONE” else has the power to make you anything in your feelings. YOU choose how to feel and act. Self-control is available to all. If you are out of control and telling yourself others have the power to control you, you will be allowing others to control you as well by what they say or don’t say. Also, getting angry and “steamed up” hurts your entire well-being. 

Remember, then, you are what you think. When someone else actually does hurt you with words or actions or inactions, tell them in a calm, direct way how it makes you feel when they do that and that you want them to stop. If they do not, set some boundaries and think about your choices. You will ALWAYS HAVE CHOICES. Fighting, running away, or numbing yourself and pretending it does not matter are not healthy choices. Use the peace and harmony reboot and reset love of self each time there is an affront. Along with this, keep clearing the past injuries and outrages through journaling, writing about how they made you feel, feel those feelings as losses and bring in room for your adult self to love who you are in spite of those hurts. That is how to treat and heal a wound with kindness, gentleness, and love.

 Always think of yourself in the Highest of Warm Regard with Plenty of Rooms in your inner being to claim for positive loving space. YOU get to choose how YOU think about yourself and hopefully, it will be all loving, even the less stellar parts of you.  🙂

See you back in a couple days,
Susan

Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com

Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts

Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

STAYING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FEELINGS WHILE DIGGING UP THE PAST

In this post, I am going to tell you the truth and not sugar coat any of it. Digging up the past can really stink, both literally and figuratively. I warn you that there may be places of feeling memory that you buried long ago. The saying is that feelings buried alive never die, but they can be dormant and when brought up, smell like trash… 🙂

In dealing with “foul” memories from the past, it is very important that you know they need healing. Just like any physical wound, feelings matter and if something happened that bothered you in the past (or a whole bunch of repeated somethings), they need treatment. You are the only one who can decide if you need a counselor or someone trained in healing the past to help you process through the memories. Most of my clients know I will get the probe out for recurring problems with anger, anxiety, or depression because I have taught them something below the surface is causing these states of being. Our mind, body and spirit are very good at telling us when we are unsettled, if we listen. The problem is that most people THINK they can dump their trash on others and get rid of it through negative controlling behaviors like:
blaming, shaming, yelling, criticizing, attacking, accusing, intimidating, etc.

There is no way that trying to make someone else responsible for our pain will work because it belongs to us. If we try to give it away, we add more pain to others and ourselves, as we will reap what we sow and attract others who mirror our negatives. This is true even if you were victimized and the offender refuses to acknowledge they hurt you or the level at which they hurt you. It seems unjust and unfair that you are unable to make them “pay” or “own” what they have taken from you. You may be able to have the law sentence them, but you still can never get back what you lost (for example, in the case of a rape or other serious crimes).

The great news is that all of us incur sufferings from other humans. That is life. However, there are Universal Laws that will avenge the offenders, such as the two I mentioned of Sowing and Reaping and laws of attraction. Therefore, the sooner an individual can find healing and let go of that offender through giving forgiveness, the sooner the cord of negative will be severed. As long as I chew on bitterness, anger, revenge, or any negative roots, I am bound to that other person.

It is hard to let go and forgive another human who has stolen from you, betrayed, you or robbed you in some way. In my work, however, I have seen amazing goodness come back to someone who can do that work. There is a rule of two mercies for every woe that is another law that works if you can root out your part trusting a Loving Higher Power will right all the wrongs in some way.

Again, I ask you to begin digging. You can write down any or all things that come to mind that are currently bothering you and make a timeline of the past things that you remember that bothered you. Next to each one, write the word mad or sad or both to describe the feeling you still have about the offense.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

BEGINNING THE DEVELOPMENTAL MATURING PROCESS TO CLEAR THE PAST

Last week I wrote about the developmental process of growing up and how to use a triangle with a base of peace and harmony to stand in while you feel the condition of love in balance in mind, body and spirit. When you are first beginning that desire to stay present in the “present moment,” it seems like you will never be able to do that. The old ways still try to get you off balance, angry, sad, distressed and hopeless. 

Please don’t give up. Everyone goes “through” this discouragement. It is a process of up and down and back and forth for a while as you learn to regulate yourself. Be patient with yourself as you remember that you have had the condition of habitually living out of balance for years. Also, keep finding your adult core self to remind you that learning anything new takes time. You can think of it like exercise or a new way of eating. Your body needs to agree with the message your brain is sending through a new way of thinking, “This process will have pain in it, but will be worth it.” The old way of getting upset, anxious, depressed, chronically stressed or angry was certainly not fun and quite painful. 

Growing up when you are already grown up with old wiring is like updating an old house. You have to clean out the trash, remove the old plumbing and wiring, strip some things down, remodel what you want changed before you get the updated new home you just love. Keep remembering that is what is going on inside of youJ!

One thing I need to mention is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many people have this from their past. For your inner being, it works just like anyone who has gone through a war, an accident, or some other horrible memory, the brain sends flashback signals in the present when you are triggered. Most people don’t realize that they carry PTSD from childhood-we all do even if it doesn’t seem traumatic now. Your brain stored an awful thing that happened with the feeling. When someone treats you in a similar way in the present, “zing,” you are right back in time with those feelings. It seems like it is just about the present, but it is also about the past and every time in the past you felt that way (with no healing treatment of the feeling). It’s also about a fear that in the future you will face this again, so you react! 

Over time, reactions and reactive behavior become chronic patterns and can even set up complexes of PTSD that explain a person who has a “short fuse.” It is a very hard way to live. The body will release cortisol and adrenaline flows as though that person were facing an attack by an assailant, attacker, or assaulter. When this happens in close relationships, it is so destructive to the individuals and family members. Many families operate this way in an extremely dysfunctional manner. 

Spend some time thinking of times you felt scared and unsafe in your past and try to locate those memories to see if you built any kind of protective fear wall around them. Other things to look for that may be walled off are any kind of grief or loss. See if you still react to similar simialr curcumstances when they reocurr?? Share with us.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan

Website: http://www.lifehouserestoration.com

Face book: http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts

Also follow my daily tweets for more: https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan

DISCOVERY PHASE AND STAYING IN BALANCE DURING THE WAKE UP PROCESS

Gaining higher STEPS into self-awareness can be a painful process in and of itself. Many of my clients will often voice that if they had known how painful things could get, they might never have begun the journey.  Later on, when they are feeling better, they say the opposite with comments like: “I would never have missed doing this work because I would never have found my true self and the freedom I now have to be that person FULL TIME.” Being free to be yourself is such a liberating experience that it is well worth what you have to go through to get to that Mature Adult. There are things you can do and tools to use to ease the pain of process work.

I hope to awaken you to the best picture that helps any individual to stay centered and in balance no matter what is going on around them or inside of them. Picture a triangle and make one out of your body. Picture a soldier standing “at ease”…hands clasped behind the back (front side vulnerable) and each foot about one foot apart. If you think of your left foot as standing in “peace” and your right foot as standing in “harmony,” you can have a base line connecting those two points and feel grounded. The sides of the triangle meet at the top of your head or at a point between your eyes above your nose and label that point Love. That point is the front of your most adult part of your executive brain. You can see that is also a spiritual center for most religions- I wrote about love coming from an All Loving Higher Power that created all of us with inherent worth. You are part of that love and your self deserves to feel loved and esteemed by your inner adult self along with your Higher Power (God). As you see into that triangle, picture that it is your center to stay within. If you remain conscious of that state of being, you will recognize when you are out of balance. Having this internal picture will help you regain groundedness (centered) if you are feeling anxious or fearful or angry.

Taking responsibility when you have an argument, conflict, or any circumstance that gets you out of balance is less of a challenge when you are conscious of what it feels like to be centered in peace, harmony and love with yourself. You can easily reset or reboot; THEN, take an inventory of what is really going on INSIDE you. This is the order I mentioned. YOU must check in with yourself FIRST, but you have to be in balance and centered in order to do that. After you do that, you can find a place that tells you- or speaks to you (usually your heart or gut feeling of intuition) about what is bothering you about the situation. When you do this first, you can then speak to the “other person” in a healthy and calm way. Out of order and reactive behaviors will always be immature and will lead to blame, shame and some game playing. The problem will then be escalated, and over time, you lose touch with your own inner being because you have habitually used others as your feeling-dumping place.

 Please reread the two previous blogs and make the connections regarding staying mature in your adult self and gaining higher ground in understanding how to awaken to Higher Consciousness of yourself and others. Feel free to comment or to begin your own inner journal to find that adult core and connect with the true you.

See you back in a couple days,
Susan
Website:
http://www.lifehouserestoration.com
Face book:
http://www.facebook.com/newlifesusan?fref=ts
Also follow my daily tweets for more:
https://twitter.com/NewLifeSusan